A Letter; To the Passenger in Seat 42B

Dear Sir

I write this letter to you as an apology for circumstances that arose, events that maybe I worsened though my poor attitude!

If you recall (of course you will, how could you forget), I sat next to you on a recent flight from Bangkok to Paris! It was not a good flight, no 12 hour long flights are but I think you suffered unduly due to my acts at the time.

Sir, I don’t like to talk to people on planes! I like to sit in my seat with an invisible metal shield around me so I apologize for completely ignoring your introductions, your proffered hand and if I remember correctly putting my finger to my lips in the international sign language of “be quiet”. I would like to mention here that I did not damage your jacket on purpose; I was simply climbing over you to get to the toilet when I stood on its hem. It thus ripped itself off the hook of the seat in front, the hook that it was hanging on! I think that next time you fly you should fold up your suit and put it in the overhead locker as this would also prevent strawberry cake getting mashed into it.

May I ask this question? The armrest in-between the seats, do you think it’s yours? Could we not have shared it, swapped over at half time or something! I certainly took things a little far when I might have bruised you in the ribs with a sharp jab, but were you not getting the hints? I started off slow by bumping your arm with the jab, a last resort to get myself a place on the rest. It didn’t work though, maybe you were too fat too notice the resentment beside you. You may have felt later, upon waking up, that the blueberry yogurt that was splattered all over your nice white shirt was an act of aggression, but let me assure you that it was a simple mistake, the result of a hard to open top!

But I forgive you for the armrest as you allowed me to place my feet and most of my legs in your space, to the extent that you had no real place to put yours. As a word of future advice though, along with your jacket you should place your hand luggage in the locker above as when my feet were stretched out I heard some serious ‘tinkling’ sounds coming from your bag!

Flying is never good at the best of times I admit, but we do have to make the best of a bad situation!

I must also apologize for laughing hysterically when you woke up suddenly! This was not my fault really but then I suppose, if I had not put the peg on your nose then you might have been able to breathe easier. You see, you were snoring so loudly that I could not concentrate on my movie! I don’t carry pegs around normally but I had one this trip, a mistaken item when packing – luckily for me! Oh, and the hot coffee that got spilled in your lap, the ingredient that finally woke you, is probably a good thing as you did not have your seat belt fastened! We were experiencing turbulence, you know!

As a further point, I don’t like people who steal the cutlery, are you so poor that you had to do this? I was also amazed at your petty theft of the wine and you probably gathered from my excessive sniffing and puffing that I was disgusted with you! The wine is free you daft Frog, it’s free so why did you reach out, take a tiny bottle off the trolley and hide it in the seat pocket in front of you! I may not have sniffed so loudly had you not looked around in guilty glee – it’s free you daft onion-chewing Frenchman! I suppose you might have been surprised when you found the empty bottle, you see I felt an urge to reach out to you, to help you understand that 'the wine is free’. Whilst you were in the toilet I took that bottle out of the seat pocket and drank it, and then I put the empty bottle back!

Oh well, after twelve hours we arrived in Paris.

I must finally apologize for not responding to your pleasantries upon departure, your “goodbyes” and “have a nice trip”, these were not something that I felt like replying to. In fact I couldn’t reply as I was too busy standing up, the reason why your feet got a little squashed and why my hand-luggage landed on your head. But really, sir, do you have to stand in the way!

Well, I do hope that I meet you again, that you are on the return flight to Bangkok today. I may then get to apologize to you in person - although please don’t sit next to me as you smell something awful!