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Monday, December 31, 2007

The Amerindo Internet Fund Insolvency Payment

The Amerindo Internet Fund Insolvency Payment

And so it comes to pass that I must lay to rest this slip of paper!

This 'token' is the Final debris from the Amerindo Internet Fund after it collapsed and the Directors ran away with most of the investors cash! I don't want to re-hash what Messrs Alberto William Vilar and Gary Alan Tanaka did to many people and myself suffice it say that despite court cases and investigation they are still swanning around in a life of luxury whilst I sit here with a final settlement for £3.29.

Read all about it here!

I have had this "insult" pinned to the top of my computer screen since it was delivered to me in August 2007! Everyday I look at it with hope and expectation that the amount printed will have somehow grown to triple figures! I also hoped that it will be a constant reminder that however sound a trust, fund or investment opportunity may seem there is always a very large margin for failure!

As the months have passed this piece of paper has done nothing good for me! I look at it and simply shake my head, a bad start to the morning, not the way to start a new day!

And so on this last day of 2007 I am going to rip up this payment from the HM Paymaster General Insolvency Service and throw it in the bin! Never to be seen again! I cannot force myself to deposit this amount in my bank account that would be taking the insult too far!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

A Career at Sea

Many seafarers are asked how they ended up at sea! Just like somebody may ask a teacher or a bricklayer why he or she became one, the answers tend to be varied and often without path to the end result. One common reason for entering a particular career is because “my father did it and so did my grandfather”. Some extremely obvious reasons for going to sea might have been to get away from home or to see the world; equally so many rusty seafarers today embarked upon their careers for lack of anything else to do, because some cranky careers advisor suggested they do so or because they had been recently dumped by the school hottie!

Seafarers are molded from any number of reasons with many having no clue as to whether they will become an engineer, mate or cook even after they have decided to sign up! Whilst others have had the sea in their blood since the day they were conceived.

The Industry has changed though. Many a salty seafarer will prop up the local bars in seaside towns the world over. They will regale those who will listen with stories that baffle and defy gravity, they will accept drinks from anybody who offers and in return will tell them “it’s not like it used to be”. And they are correct! Life at sea has changed dramatically in the last ten years and many (especially the old-timers) will say that it’s not for the better.

Yes, the industry has changed and probably faster than when the steamship came along and rang the death knell on the sail ships. Ten years ago everybody decided that seafarers were suffering from stress, that ships should run like shore-based establishments and that people should be accountable for their actions; i.e. a paper trail should be laid. Ten years ago paperwork on ships was nothing more than the daily log; the typing of the monthly stores order onto the telex machine and some night orders hastily scribbled by the captain after has last gin and tonic of the night! And modern communications have brought ships into the civilized world. Ten years ago only cruise ships and research vessel could afford the large golf-ball satellite dishes on the monkey island, now all ships have them and the companies send emails and make telephone calls, not daily but the whole day, to the extent that captains and mates are now short of a secretary or two were once they were short of something to do!

Then, in these days of heightened safety cultures alcohol was suddenly frowned upon and the sustenance that kept many engineers and mates together and in one piece was removed from their grasp, a forbidden item that was to be no more.

It has not stopped there. As a result of 9-11, the terrorist attack on the world Trade Center in New York, the bureaucrats ashore rapidly suggested that ships could be used as potential bomb carriers (a laden gas tanker running up the St. Lawrence Seaway with a bomb onboard could cause untold loss of life and damage) and so ships and the people that sail them suddenly received a whole new host of regulations to follow and associated paperwork to fill in. The Chief Officers, once a figurehead to be frightened of, now has many hats to wear - safety officer, loading master and now the security officer!

Before the last ten years brought paperwork to ships and before masters found themselves in front of a computer more often than looking out of the bridge window, certain idealistic facets of a life-at-sea were conjured up in many minds! A wife in every port maybe? Cruising across the Atlantic sipping sherry on the mezzanine deck after having had a quick dip in the pool! A week in Tripoli, a Caribbean cruise picking up bananas before heading home to Barry (a port in Wales not the boyfriend). It all sounds very nice!

Not many ships have swimming pools these days! If they do they won’t have the sherry to drink! And anyway not many ships stay long enough in port these days to allow anybody to go ashore! Time is precious and port stays cost money!

Is there any reason why anybody should go to sea these days and if so what for?

As the paperwork and the bureaucracy have increased tenfold so has the nature of the job changed! Senior officers are now accountable for their actions, the bosses ashore are equally accountable for theirs, and so responsibility tends to lie where it is born and bred than shifted down to the lowest man in the pile! For those entering the business today this is fantastic, a clear cut and structured path ahead were everything is black and white – for those complaining about the change it is often due to an inability to take the change onboard, to grasp it and to realize that it is for their benefit too and not something forced upon them by a bunch of non-seafaring types ashore with nothing better to do with themselves except make up silly regulations.

Many would say that in their younger years they fell in love the world over, many would also say that they caught every disease imaginable that they were ripped off more times than they could count and that for the most part they couldn’t remember anything anyway as they were too pissed! Most shore leaves were spent in alcoholic oblivion; the girl’s of the night equally pissed but with a sober eye on the guy’s wallet.

Life at sea has changed. Trips are more structured and the seafarers more professional than they ever were - life onboard depends on the individuals and how they accept the life, a life that no longer depends on crates of booze and alcoholic oblivion! Modern communications allow for easy access to phone calls home, no more waiting until land is seen and a painful session of calling up land based radio stations is enacted; the future states that all ships will have twenty-four hour internet access, with vessels looking towards wireless access for all onboard. Trips are getting shorter and the leave longer; the laughable idea of going to sea for ten months and having one month at home has been nearly replaced with equal time on and equal time off!

Work for six months of the year on a tax free salary?

And so why would seafarers go to sea today? They go because it is an honest career that brings the bread and butter onto the table. There might not be a wife in every port, the company may require the same written entries to be made in about six different books and logs and the Chief Engineer might be a grumpy old sod because he can’t have drink but …….wow, what a life to be had!

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of The Mariners Tales
First published on 9th March 2007

Friday, December 28, 2007

The Aftermath of Christmas

I've sort of being half-watching my Debenham Shares in-between feeling slightly sick on Christmas Cake overdose and wandering why they are still dropping in value!

For those who listened to my prediction of "buy" just before Christmas, well, maybe now might be a really good time to invest some hard-earned Christmas bonus cash! The question I have to ask is how far can anything drop? If they drop much further they will reach Australia!

Anyway, whilst retailers have seemingly enjoyed a bumper year on the sales, with British shoppers acting like the siege is about to begin, share prices have not reacted in concert! I have read the news, I have sadly been into town and I have seen the havoc that shoppers can wreak! In John Lewis, In M&S and countless other high street stores, desperate bargain hunters have caused goods to be strewn across floors, for shelves to come off their supports and for assistants to hide in fear of being attacked! Despite endless pre-Christmas news and gloom about credit-crisis, falling house prices (at long last) and something called stagflation (a possible stag party gone wrong)the retailers did well, the British public spent needlessly as per usual and with enough vigor as to have security guards wandering if this was where life was about to begin!

But shares in retailers did not rise!

One might suggest that this was to do with Benazir Bhutto being assassinated! Certainly this tragic event caused oil prices to rise (anything does that) but to look at this objectively, she was not an icon of the latest fashion trend, I'm sure that she did not buy all her food at M&S and that she was not a non-executive director of B&Q. It is thus with interest that I read todays news that overwhelms me with prediction that stock markets around the world have fallen, that the UK market should and will follow suit and that the world is teetering on the brink of well, uncertainty! Just another day at the market then?

On another front it is a wander to see that "Taiwan’s High Court cleared Ma Ying-jeou, the presidential hopeful of Taiwan’s opposition Kuomintang, of corruption charges and allowance abuse, removing the largest threat to his presidential bid" (Financial Times). It does mention 'the largest threat', so it is worth noting what the other threats are but needless to say it is nice to see that even the Taiwanese are not immune to clearing corrupt people when all evidence suggests otherwise! The article further states that "Sung Yao-wen, Mr Ma’s lawyer, said prosecutors were now investigating the KMT candidate’s role in a string of other cases of alleged corruption, including his use of allowances during his time in different cabinet positions in the 1980s". Haven't we just been through all this in the UK's?

This verdict is good for the Taiwanese stock markets I'm sure, especially if the KMT get into power. This news reminds me to go and buy some semi-conductor shares or part of a wafer production plant as soon as I can sell my retail shares that is!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas and the non-stop shop

Whilst Santa Clause can now take a rest, the endless wish of society to spend money means that normal humans cannot! An estimated 3.57 million began their sales shopping online on Christmas Day according to the BBC News Online!

On Christmas Day after enjoying the warm glow of family conversation that could so easily boil over, whilst feeling slighlty sick (in mind and soul) just thinking about all the food I had eaten that day and inbetween stuffing more into the bottomless pit I was trying to work out what to politely do with the six identical copies of a book that I had already read, when it suddenly hit me, why don't I do what I have done for the last six weeks? Why don't I go shopping again?

Only Joking!

Looking through the websites (honest I'm only looking) Debenhams front page clearly says "Biggest Clearance Sale ever at 70% off selected items"! A white aquamaster steamer for £12.00 perhaps? John Lewis are not going that far but are on the 50% mark with free delivery included! BHS calls it a winter sale, Argos an end of catelogue sale, Frasers is offering triple points on sale items and only Reeds Furniture seems to remain unchanged (they always have a sale)!

Christmas Day saw many people logging on and bargain hunting and the Sotsmen Newpaper reported that "it is thought more than £52 million will end up having been spent online by the end of Christmas Day"! "A spokeswoman for M&S said: "It's been a busy day online. The online sale started at one minute after midnight and we were particularly busy between midnight and 1am".

Booo, Hoooooo!The sadness this statement provokes overwhelmes me!

The high street sales start today, on boxing day, and it is duly expected that millions poor soles will flock to the stores to bargain hunt or/and needlessly spend. I can only ask the question, as I can find no answer, are we so sad a nation? Why do we forsake family get-to-gethers to traipse the streets once again? Has the television remote control been replaced forever by a mouse?

Anyhoos, I must finish this posting here as I saw a lovely couch in John Lewis's, a jumper in Marks and Sparks and I better pack up my tent and rinse my mouth out as Jenners have just opened their front door - I've been queueing here since 3am on yesterday!

Monday, December 24, 2007

15 Million Pounds spent every Minute

The headlines in the Scotsmen newspaper today read "15 million pounds spent every minute" which basically equates to one hell of allot of money was spent by shoppers over the last weekend before Christmas! I managed to work out the figure per hour and then gave up counting!

Maybe it was just one shopper with a bag loads of money, eh?

Already the count suggests that more has been spent this Christmas than last and more than the one before that! All I can say to those journalists and editors who have been riding the gravy train with their 'credit crisis keeps shoppers indoors' and 'nobody has any money left' statements over the last few days is "pah"!

Debenhams, Debenhams, Debenhams! Is my fortune to be made in this underperforming and little liked stock? I even forced myself to go shopping there last week - but couldn't find anything I wanted - yikes! Maybe just hold on those shares and wait a bit to see which way they will go!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Facts Versus Media Hype

Two days to go before Christmas and the newspapers are filled with doom and gloom on potential recessions and retail crisis as sales fall leading to mass bargains before Christmas! The news tells me that many high-street retailers will suffer this year with some losers materialising in the New Year.

Okay then, explain to me why town is so crowded, why shopers are fighting tooth and nail to fill their shopping trolleys and why the queues are miles long! Not to mention the fact that online sales are reportedly to broach £14 billion this year (Scotsman Newspaper, 22nd December 2007) which should more than counter balance any reduction in high street sales (for those that have online stores that is).

And wehey, wait until the Sales start - see the tills go "che ching" then!

Summing all of that up I would say Debenhams! Buy into Debenhams now!

Santa Clause is a Thief

Santa Clause Housebreaking I went shopping alone today for the second time this year! I previously made a mental note to never do such a thing again, in fact the attractions of online shopping had me pressing "enter" in my sleep and seamlessly pushing imaginary trolleys through empty checkouts. Unfortunately last night, whilst wrapping my wife's presents it dawned on me that she might just hit me around the head with the frying pan I had carefully chosen and finish me off with the wonderful set of dinner plates that the assistant had obviously conned me into buying!

Anyway, fortified with the knowledge that I should go and get something personal and from the heart I set-off with determination and my personal "do not disturb" privacy shield pulled tight around me. And all was going well as I skillfully managed to bypass books on cooking, the tableware and bedlinen sections and it was only whilst I was heading for the "personal gifts for ladies shop" that I saw a terrible thing!

As I was walking along, minding my own business, I looked up and there was Santa Claus breaking into a house! I couldn't move! I was shocked to the very core of my being! Santa my hero was nothing more than a common thief!

I'll probably tell her this occurrence to my wife as she unwraps the the super multi-functional hoover I got her in-case she tries to suck me up with it!

Friday, December 21, 2007

The Pre-Christmas Buying Spree

Wow, stocks went up today! Mostly Tech Stocks that is and even the newspapers could not find anything to solid to panic or bray about! I ask have to ask though "is it typical for investors to be free with their loose change over the Christmas period or is this simply another freek-turn in the market that will show itself tomorrow when it all comes crashing down"?

I had the opportunity to buy some shares myself today! I carefully wieghed up my options, researched, studied and stategised before narrowing it down to a choice of two! Then after reaching no eye-catching conclusion I flipped a coin! As things go I chose heads instead of tails and for the rest of the day I watched my shares drop steadily whilst the lost possibility went shooting through the literal roof.

For many though today was a turn around from the previous weeks of bad news and falling lines! I sincerely hope that these upbeat conditions will continue over the Christmas period and into the New Year and that all small-time investors have an excellent slab of turkey to nibble on.

I myself am going to watch my shares on Christmas Day! At least with the markets closed they can't sink any lower - definetly worth watching!

The Christmas Panic at Fort Kinnaird

I went shopping today! The one and only time that I will do so without wife and son and perhaps an event never to be repeated for another year. It was bloody awfull! Toys R Us looked as if a bomb had exploded in the Thomas the Tank area, Instores bare shelves led me to assume that Santa was into stealing had been busy all night and the cookery book section in Bordes was filled with seemingly sad men who could think of nothing else to buy their wives (I bought slippers)!

I went to Fort Kinnaird in Edinburgh as it is close to home, typically not so busy as town and it has all the usual shops from Mothercare to GAP (neither of which I went into). I knew things were not quite going to go according to my well-laid plans when I gave a passing comment to some people in the street! I was marching past the park in Portobello on the way to the bus stop and I slipped on some cleverly disguised ice that looked very much like the pavings tones beneath! I managed to remain upright and with dignity intact I continued walking along! Pasing by a lady pushing a man in a wheelchair I informed them of the icy patch and she heeding my advice crossed the road out of harms way. Not soon after a young girl passed me by and for some reason I felt no futher need to pass on the information that I had. The girl walked past and I would have continued merrily on my way had it not been for a loud "phlop" and a curse that had me swivelling my head in panic. I turned around and their was the poor girl, flat on her back and groaning!

She looked at me as if to say "why didn't you tell me"?

And so my day started! The bus was late and it was standing room only, the shops were bursting with overly-typical things to buy and people on a mission to spend as much money that they didn't have as quickly and as thoughtlessly as possible. John the checkout man at Marks and Sparks had me pulling my hair out! Slowness was not a word I could use lightly and his festive spirit would have had Santa screaming a blue fit! Amanda in Womens Wear(I was getting desperate over what to buy my wife by now) was getting upset because some lady had been rude to her and the coffee shop had enough crumbs on the floor to bake another batch of scones!

Oh the joys of Christmas! Let us all go heavily into debt as we wheel our over-laden trolley around the aisles in an overtly agressive attitude! Let us shout at assistants when the things we want are not on the shelf, let us scream inanely at poor children and let us all buy presents for others even though we know they don't really want them!

If it was not for my son I might have cancelled Christmas this year!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Silence for a Christmas At Sea

As Christmas approaches, faster than I had planned for, I cannot help but give a moments silence to all those seafarers stuck out at sea over this period! I certainly had my fair share of sailing through Christmas Day and New Year - stuck in force 8 gales or legless on cheap plonk?

At this time of year families should be together, the one day of the other 364 that enmities can be put aside and when perhaps family members meet for the last time (and possibly the first) of the year. Christmas is a time for children to eat badly, to have an overdose of plastic toys and to suffer undue attention from relatives that they can't remember having met before! For adults it is a time to laugh, to eat plenty without recrimination and weight watch and to hopefully put aside those endless feelings of antagonism, dreams or the actual reality of the slim secretary at the office or the sweaty gardener; it is time to share with those who are supposed to mean the most!

So being at sea is not the best place to be at Christmas; a group of misfits stuck together in a steel can! It is also worse these days with multi-national crews; not because of any language barrier but more from a cultural crevice. For example, the Chinese Chief Officer will wonder what all the fuss is about, Chinese New year is months away! The Saudi Arabian Chief Engineer will also find things confusing and with no answers forthcoming from Allah he might just chalk this up to "experience" and repair to his cabin for the duration!

So I must give a moments silence to those stuck in their cans during this festive 2007 season! Have fun boys and girls! Don't drink all that plum juice (one shipping companies answer to the filling up of the Christmas hamper when faced with a no-drinking policy) and don't forget to get some decorations and a tree before you leave the last port! Oh, and for those Captains who feel that they must now give a lengthy speech over lunch about company gratefulness and how all crew should pull together the following year - forget it!

And so I must go and get ready for the big day! I must drag myself out into the freezing cold and fight to finish the shopping alongside the millions of other last-minute shoppers! Town will be a nightmare, I know that people will be shoving and pushing to get what they see as a bargain and I know that I will have to walk home as the buses will be like sardine cans! And then as the day gets closer I will have to put smile onto my face despite having overspent on presents, I will have to tell my son to calm down for the tenth time and to cope with his festive induced tantrums and I will have to say "Merry Christmas to people I don't even know!

On second thoughts I probably won't give that moments silence to all those stuck at sea this Christmas! I wish now that I was with them, stuck in a steel can listening to some pissed up Captain attempting to rally the troops, drinking criminally cheap red wine and talking utter rubbish from the moment I get up till the moment I stagger back to sleep! Now that is a real Christmas!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

When Investors Gamble

This morning one of my investments followed the FT100 Index and spiraled upward. It then spiraled as quickly downward, a rat down a drain pipe, before I could react! Wow, this is nail biting territory!

To have an online trading account is simply another form of gambling! Even the large Hedge Funds and those well known investment funds like Aberdeen Asset Management and Black Rock are gambling, in layman's terms they use invested money to buy shares in companies with the view to those companies making profits in the longer term!

Individual Investors who invest within an investment company are safer perhaps than those who are buying specific company shares. Investment companies spread the odds by investing in hundreds of different companies in perhaps varying geographical locations so should one fail the others will buoy the overall investment. But they are still gambling their money!

When I invested 2000 Pounds with an investment company called Amerindo, I gambled. But I did so on the silent understanding that the managers of this fund would not dissapear with all the cash leaving the fund to become worthless and the Investors with empty pockets! For further insight into the disastrous behavior of these two 'sick' people see here

So as I watch my shares tumble, as news of impending recession and indecision by those who should know everything (like the Bank of England and Chancellor of the Exchequer) I cannot help but wander if I would have been better off playing poker; at least I would have a half-naked chick on my lap, free booze and a cheering crowd, until that is my good-luck ends!

But for now, as I watch my shares dissapear under the floor I take heart from the fact that I never invested in Northern Rock!

A Hotels Impersonality Drive

Holiday Inn Express Belfast
Holiday Inn Express Belfast

Recently I have been staying at a number of different Holiday Inn Express Hotels. The reason for choosing these (above say a grotty and paint-peeling B&B where the shower head won't stay up and the owner takes three hours to work the lock on the door) is that they are extremely 'handy' and can be booked instantly over the Internet.

Express Hotels by Holiday Inn are known factors, are seemingly everywhere, are cheaper than many similar venues and I have always been able to get a room at short notice. The cost of a room seems to be in the region of 60-70 Pounds/night which includes a bed, table, a carpet, a window (mostly) and well not much else!

I'm not sure when Holiday Inn caught on to this massive impersonality drive on hotels but they have proved to be extremely useful and easy. I have now been in four or five of them from Southampton to Belfast and well ....... I do have a slight problem though that my travel psychiatrist says is the direct fault of whoever came up with the idea of flooding the UK with a string of budget hotels!

The other night I was staying in the Doncaster Holiday Inn Express and having to get up early to catch a train I was still a bit sleepy when the taxi pulled up. Clambering into the back seat I told the driver to take me to Belfast harbor before curling up for a bonus fifteen minutes nap. Predictably the driver made some smart crack about the Northern Irish taking over the UK and that the cost would be 400 Pounds before I realized my geographical error. Another time in London and having never stayed there before I managed to walk to my room without the aid of direction (and possibly with my eyes shut).

These hotels are all the same and until exiting the brick structure through the blue-framed glass front doors then one hotel is the same as the next! If a football match is on there will be a gaggle of hyped-up supporters in the ground-floor bar. At eight O'clock there will be a gaggle of overdressed girls occupying the lifts as they prepare to hit the town and in the morning the newspaper can be picked up along with a slightly browning banana from the front desk. A decent enough breakfast is provided, buffet and a hot coffee which is included in the price. At the front desk will invariably be a young and blue-uniformed girl (in Belfast a man-girl) who has a written list of the correct things to say hidden beneath the counter top. And the rooms? This photograph tells the tale and it will apply to one and every Express Hotel that I have had the dubious pleasure of staying in.
Holiday Inn Express Doncaster
Behind the curtains is a window! Looking through the square window is a road! The only difference is that a front room will get you the smaller less-trafficked road and the back window a 3-lane motorway!

I've just noticed that their share-price of the Intercontinental Hotels Group has dropped three percent! I hope this not a direct result of this posting? That is amazing I haven't even published it yet!

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Investment Nightmare

There are three basic ways to invest money!

1. Give control to a broker who will comfortably scrape off any profits made through "charges" before eventually clearinghouse to Panama after having studied extradition treaties.

2. Leave it in some secure bond or bank savings account that promises above inflation returns - should everything pan out and if another 'credit crisis' does not come peddling over the hill then a 5% return might possibly be seen! Read the small print though first!

3. DIY!

Today I would like to concentrate on the Do-It-Yourself buying of shares in companies through an online trading account. This method is becoming extremely popular as the cost per transaction to buy shares has become economical for the small guy but ....... this method is not for the timid or for those who might suffer should the mythical bubble burst at the wrong time!

Five months ago I started this lark after slowly realizing that my 'worth' has steadily dropped when invested in multinational investment vehicles and that the likelihood of it ever getting better was well, non-existent! And so I opened up a trading account with a reputable dealer and well, to be honest it has not worked out very well either!

Today, after five months I have suffered seriously from frayed nerves, from irritable hair-pulling syndrome, from inane computer bashing and the all typical mix of talking to oneself, to becoming a hermit and to seeing things that are not actually there (profits included). Not that my money has been lost or for that matter considerably reduced in value but every single move that the market makes is a potential failure to my future and so I cannot help but watch it like a hawk. The media are the worst nerve-frayers with their hyped-up articles. If I never read a paper, invested my money and did something else, all would be fine but ........I read papers and watch the news like any other sensible investor!

Wall Street looks set to lose a further 50 points in early deals, according to US futures, as investors continue to fret about inflation and the economy.
Yahoo Finance, Monday December 17, 02:24 PM

In the wider market, leading shares took a pounding as investors reacted with disappointment to moves by the world’s central banks to inject liquidity into the money markets.
Financial Times, December 13 2007 09:05

Wall Street wilted yesterday as investors awaiting next week's Federal Reserve meeting remained uneasy that fallout from the slumping housing market could bring more bank losses and pull the economy into recession.
China View 2007-12-06 08:40:13

By reading the above I am clearly capable of pounding, fretting, disappointment and unease and that I should expect to slump and wilt and by-the-by I get the hint that I have invested into an economy that is about to hit a massive recession! The chance of getting my money back is therefore not going to happen! Why did I read the news today?

Note to all potential and current investors; take these words lightly! They mean little and probably nothing to the actual world out there, investors are not fretting they are 'investing wisely'. They are not scared or frightened, they are simply being cautious which is what investors should do! The media uses shock tactics to gain readers! Constant hints of a recession, new words that spring out like stagflation and credit-crunch are but reader-seekers and headline grabbers! The real situation out there is that the world goes on as before and apart from anything else a fallen market is the good time to pick up a bargain!

It is simply a shame that I invested all my hard-earned cash when the market was good!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A Career in the Merchant Navy

When I worked at sea many people ashore asked me what I do all day! Polite conversation maybe but my inability to give a simple answer always left me in a quandary!

Take for example a hairdresser, fresh out of college and bubbly, who is given the task of cutting my hair. She began in the usual fashion by showing me to my chair and securing me tightly with the customary green robe. She asked me how I wanted my hair cut, presumably expecting a reply along the lines of “like the lead singer of Boyzone”, but received instead the simple direction of “short” boosted by a “very” for emphasis.

Once started she settled into her new found freedom and before long she had plucked-up enough courage to start a conversation! She said “what’s your job”? I am not open to career exchange by boldly stating that I am an architect or a plastic surgeon (and would she be free tonight); I simply replied truthfully and without embellishment “I’m an Engineer in the Merchant Navy”!

Snip, Snip Snip!

After a few moments of enjoyable silence, broken slightly by the grinding of some un-oiled gears turning in her head, she responded with “so what do you do when you are not fighting”. And I, I simply said “we play cards”. Thankfully she had lots to think about after that and my hair was cut to the required ‘short’ length in the ensuing silence.

I often look back at this conversation! It should have receded and have been forgotten about along with so many other banal and inane exchanges but it hasn’t. It has stayed with me now for over 15 years and remains as crystal clear as the bottle of Buxtons Natural Mineral Water that I am currently sipping on.

Why this conversation has stuck is hard to pin down but to take an example, if a teacher is asked what she does she says she teaches and so a conversation starts to flow. A coal miner says he digs for coal, a banker banks and a tax collector receives dirty looks but all of these people with their set-in-stone careers have no hurdles to climb when explaining exactly what they do. Their careers are known to all and sundry, the recipient of the information takes little time to digest and to build a picture with the explanation given.

A career at sea though remains unknown to the average person! How ships cross the oceans, how cargoes are converted into packages delivered by the postman, how oil is transported from the Middle East and Scotch Whisky ends up in Japan is never questioned. These things happen and nobody feels the urge or curiosity to investigate further. And so, when confronted by a seafarer’s workload the mind goes blank! “My car doesn’t carry an Engineer”, they mutter, “so why should a ship need one”?

Today, whilst heading off to England to have a look at a ship (in my career as a Superintendent for merchant vessels) my taxi-driver of the day started a conversation through a yawn that he was not quick enough to mask! He asked me “what do you do in life”? With no feeling to mask my current employment I told him “I’m a Superintendent for a shipping company and I’m off to visit one of our vessels in England”.

After a few moments of enjoyable silence, broken slightly by the gears turning in his head, he responded with “so what do you do when you’re not traveling then”. I couldn’t think of a reply to this one!

Once again I was left with the inability to answer sensibly, to give to my inquisitor an answer that would immediately satisfy! Once again I was left with the knowledge that nobody ashore really has a grasp on what ships do or what a life at sea is like!

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Royal Simpsons Maternity Ward


I was in hospital the other day to look after and console my wife who required some emergency work done on her! She was not heading down the breast enlargement or lip enhancement route; I certainly wouldn’t have been so helpful and supportive (the silicon does that) but this was a necessity to prevent possible future miscarriage!

Anyway, why I sit here writing this is more about the hospital than my wife so …….

The National Health Service!

I have over the last few years, due to endless media criticism and attack, come to view the NHS as a decaying service with constant inbuilt pressure that occasionally bursts at the seems - like a sixty year old mattress with an overactive couple trying out new positions on top of it!

For some reason, whilst building up the nerves in preparation for entering the Royal Infirmary in Edinburgh (Simpson's Maternity Ward), I had in my mind endless images of yellowed and peeling walls, rusting metal framed beds, stressed-out doctors and over made-up nurses who spend more time filling in the cracks than attending to the patients! I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I expected overflowing spittoons in the corners, dried blood patches on the floor, a doctor shagging the matron in the linen closet or used needles lying around the corridors but the picture was never pretty!

When I eventually entered the hospital I never saw anything remotely resembling what must have been my overly vivid imagination. Instead, what I was greeted with was a well-oiled machine, a smooth operation that had no visible cracks and one that applied all that the medical profession had to offer in modernism, ethics, care and attention. During the three days that my wife remained under their watchful eye nothing was left un-catered for, she wanted for nothing and I was left secure in the knowledge that this was the only place that she should be!

Whilst sitting there watching my wife recover from her surgery I mulled over life and the NHS! For instance; it was obvious that cleanliness was a big issue here! My wife just about manages to hoover the carpet when we can no longer see the pile for crumbs but the hospital showed her a new way of life! Every moment of the day (for that matter the night) there was somebody cleaning! They took her bed out to the theater so that they could wheel her back in once stitched up! Not ten seconds after the bed left a gnome was wildly sloshing, thrashing and bashing around my feet with a heavily detergent-dosed mop! At 11pm, 2am and 4am the cleaners were at it again – mopping floors, bashing around cleaning trolleys and emptying bins that were still virgins!

Why is cleanliness to the point of disturbing patients sleep so enforced? I can only imagine that this is all a reaction to the media and patient complaints that find their way into the hands of beaky-nosed lawyers! They have criticized, taken bad examples from the bottom of the pile and applied this to the whole system to the extent that the NHS had to go over the top to beat the dogs at their heels! It is utterly crazy the amount of effort, staff usage and cost that goes towards cleaning the same bit of floor ten times a day, that sees bins being emptied before they are used and that disturbs patients throughout the night!

Tis certainly not the hospitals fault!

My wife was resting in a three-bed ward! The other two girls present brought to me the other problem that the NHS suffers from! Blatant misuse! I’m not a doctor! All I have is some crummy first aid certificate that gives me the right to make an ill-informed verdict if nobody else is listening too hard! But these two girls were obviously not suffering from anything too severe! They were never around for very long – in the ward I mean! The first went shopping for an hour in the morning! She came back with two cokes, various bags of crisps and biscuits and then proceeded to work through them like a hungry fox at the rubbish bin! At 11pm she had finished everything and proceeded to get dressed (again), to apply the make-up and to head off for lunch at some restaurant where she had arranged to meet some friend or other! And to put the nail in the coffin she came back with a burger king that made half the other patients in the other wards see blood! The other girl was an “unknown”. She spent all day and the next on her mobile phone, which never stopped buzzing, telling her friends how ill she was! She was certainly taking allot of drugs and medicine; I think the only one left that she was not prescribed to on a regular basis was morphine, which might have produced some positive effect for the other patients if nothing else, but every time the doctor came to visit she was told “we still can’t find anything wrong with you”.

Imagined symptoms? A Hypochondriac perhaps!

The NHS though can do nothing! Here is a patient that is crying out in pain, who tells them that she can’t take it any more and that she cannot walk or move and that she suffers immensely every time she lifts her left pinkie!

She whistles in the shower though!

My three days in the NHS hospital turned on a new light for me. The experience left me with things to think about and it started the change to my pre-conceived ideas of what actually goes down at the NHS!

Well done to the medical profession! Shame on those patients, critics and others who drag down a highly responsive service that does its best to cope with the lawyers and courts who put pathetic law suits in their path like giant hurdles on the midget race track!

Not that I am in any rush to go back again but my eyes are now open!

Sunday, December 09, 2007

The Wich of the North and Boko the Baboon

My sister moved house a few months ago! She eventually climbed onto the lowest rung of the property ladder by taking out a super-sized mortgage that hardly seems to justify the lack of ability to swing a cat in the brick that she now owns!

Anyway! Whilst she was packing she came across some vintage literature, the remains of a bygone era and what possibly is the only such peice in existance. Beleive me, this was a worthy find! There were only three-yellowed pages despite further searching but the value of even these few sheets is beyond imagination!

And she gave them all to me!

These three crusty and ancieant A4 sheets are covered in typewritten script, courier face perhaps and where it is clear that the letter "P" was broken off at the bottom of the vertical line. Clear Evidence that the same type writer was used throughout. On the first page is a four verse poem and some suitable jokes of the era. The second and last page a story, a childhood story that uses the full-imagination of the author to construct a very readable and captivating animal adventure that would have any child riveted to their seat.

The Poems first verse is titled "Thewich of the North" and goes:

THE WICH OF THE NORTH
HAS A CAT CALLED PORT-H
he likes his oldl nag
who is as th*ick as a paper bag


The other three verses are similar in vein, titled the wich of the west, south and east.

The jokes can probably be found in any joke book of the day so I won't bother repeating them here.

Here though is an extract from the story:

"Bobo was an elaphant a female one there was also a XXXXXXXXXXx bab00on who was calledd bobo. they became best friends. one day Boko was walking alog when he all of a sudden heard asqueeling he looked around but saw noone near enough to be heard even bellowing at there loudest"

A great story it is! Must read it to my son sometime!

Strangely enough the author of these great works happens to be the brother of my sister! Yes, tis I! The author is Ieuan Dolby himself!

Honestly, the story is great!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Easy Jet and I wipe my hands of them!

Yesterday I had to take a flight! Easy Jet flew straight, BA required a stopover!

I flew BA!

Oh, for anybody that would like to hear more about Easy Jet and there extremely poor service here's a good website! NotSoEasyJet.Com

Listen Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou - If you give me a million squid I'll stop harping on; but that doesn't mean I will want to fly with your airline again! Now that would take two million scoobies!

Anyway; enough is enough! Now I must turn my attention to the National Health System if its still there!

Ieuan Dolby
7th December 2007