The Foul-Smelling Race and a Liberal Dose of Chemicals

It dawned on me the other day that we must be an extremely pongy nation! This realization did not spring on me whilst I searched for oxygen under the runny armpit of some banker on the London Underground or whilst reeling at my own disgusting morning breath but was born from a million and one adverts on television that tell us that we need to get serious.

Hundreds of adverts strongly suggest that life cannot go on without serious assistance. Young lads roam the streets in sadness, isolated and shunned until one fine day they discover deodorant! A liberal all-over dunking of some false-smelling spray drastically changes everything, locked doors open, withered flowers spring into bloom and well, girls, just fall head over heels were before they were instantly turned off. Girls only fall in love with boys who are petrified in various liquids and sprays, boys only fall in love with the wild woman who spends a fortune on a hint-of-a-tint rose, begonia, Japanese pine (maybe that was for the bathroom) or a lily-tainted concoction!

Never mind the body, what about the house! That advert, the one with the man who comes home from work and the first thing that he does is to throw himself flat onto the carpet to dramatically inhale some wonderfully smelly chemicals that the wife lovingly sprayed around, is well pretty sick. The couple who dance in front of an automatic motion sensing air-freshener - although it takes a day and a half for the husband to work that out as he stands waiting in a pool of his own smelly misery waiting for a burst to happen! Then there is the air-freshener that changes its output depending upon erm, night and day or was it temperature based, but, it matters not when the contraption spurts out Wassail, Cranberry and Holiday Scent for the connoisseur.

And there is a bonus to an air-freshener in the work place. As Ballard Air Fresheners puts it, "Sweet smell of SUCCESS - Fragrance somehow allows you to pay better attention, particularly at the end of a task. A separate study found office workers set higher goals for themselves and were more focused when commercial air fresheners were put in the work environment". Not only is the room smelling nice and disguising all of those disgusting body odors, stale furniture whiffs, fetid photocopier printouts and the foul-smelling sense of failure but the environment is a happy one! All this from a little container holding formaldehyde, petroleum distillates, p- dichlorobenzene, and aerosol propellants with a dash of whatever takes your fancy.

The US Environmental Protection Agency said, "as air fresheners are usually highly flammable and also strong irritants to eyes, skin, and throat. Additionally, the solid fresheners usually cause death if eaten by people or pets". And then there was that poor boy in Nottingham, the one who died after spraying himself with Lynx deodorant. "Boy, 12, collapsed and died after 'using too much Lynx deodorant". Lynx insisted that the small print on the canister should have been read before use.

And then we have the bathroom. I won't go down the road of discussing the urinals at Old Trafford after a lost home match against Liverpool but as Imtek puts it "Bathrooms in general can be easily invaded by foul odors from urine and feces. They are also an ideal breeding ground for bacteria, mold, mildew, and fungus that also generate odor. Unfortunately, most ventilation systems only recirculate room air and remove large particulate matter such as dirt, dust, and lint. Pungent bathroom odors are left free to recirculate in the air you breathe and could increase in concentration if left untreated. Covering up nasty bathroom odors with perfumed deodorizers often times only result in even more offensive smells". That's enough of that.

There are many websites devoted to smell removal but I particularly like those offered up by Wacky Home Tips especially the idea of removing the smell of perspiration from clothes by dipping them in half a bucket of water to which three or four aspirin tablets have been added. Leave for a couple of hours and the smells will vanish! Whats wrong with a washing machine?

To capitalize on this seemingly overpowering urgency to smell anything other than natural I am going to invest heavily in designing and producing a series of deodorants, air-fresheners and deodorizers that cater to some extremely specific odor problems. My favorite idea so far is for my four-year old son, and the many people like him, who fart without remorse or compunction. I am going to make an automatic fart deodorizer. This will sit in the back-pocket and upon sensing movement in his nether regions a burst of forest oak will be emitted that will disguise and neutralize any foul odors before they hit the nostrils. The smell of forest pine might alert others to the fact that a fart has been emitted but this would be a small price to pay.

I am also wandering what to do about smelly socks! Perhaps a shoe filled with aspirins might work or a shoe that has inbuilt injection nozzles and a heel that can store a variety of sweet smelling sachets for those moments when the socks become too heavy to cope with.