The American Investigation - Day Ten

As I near the end of my investigations into Americans and the life here I wander if I have done them justice! I have restricted myself to Mexicans in Houston and Cubans in Florida! Is that representative of America as a whole? I didn’t after-all extend my investigations and subsequent revelations into life up North, the Vietnamese immigrants in New York, the black gangs in downtown Detroit, the Chinese Triads in San Francisco, the Italians in Washington DC or the illegal immigrants throughout the whole country!

And on that subject I didn’t manage to swap view with any home-grown Americans!

But never mind!

The weather is nice in Houston just now! Hurricane Ike certainly ravaged the area, more-so down south where rooftops still lie in the roads, where expensive yachts are piled up any-which-way-but-loose like old cars at the scrap yard and where certain shops and houses are still boarded up to keep them from falling down! I felt sorry for a taxi-driver I had today! He started to give me a sob story about his damaged house and how he had to sleep in his large four-by-four for a few days! I came straight out and told him that the problem is cheap and nasty houses built on flood planes! He didn’t talk to me after that but I’m sure I had a point! I think my unasked for comment that went along the lines of “eat less – spend less - save more - live better” might not have improved his already fragile mood!

Anyway! As I prepare to leave America to travel back to civilisation I can feel my mood lifting, my energy returning and my negative attitudes diminishing! I feel that America has a long way to go, there is allot wrong within society here and the prevalent culture is rotten and I feel that not many Americans can see that the life they live is so sad! Maybe next time I will try to go north, to the big Cities of New York and San Francisco just to see if life is better, if the people are thinner and the cars are smaller!

In the meantime I will return home to my smaller portions, to public transport and to conversations that don’t revolve around 'self'! I will return home to healthier food, to common sense and to a more select group of people called the population of the United Kingdom!

Sorry America! You may feel slighted after my ten days here! If you only listened sometimes to what other people say you might just realise that expertise comes from learning not simply through talking the loudest and longest and without pause for breath!

Bye Bye America for another while!

The American Investigation - Day Nine

As I staggered along the sun-baked cracked earth, I knew that the only reason to continue was to get to the other end! “I need water” I felt like screaming out but nobody was there to listen!

It’s a long story and how I came to be in this dessert without food or assistance is well – a pile of dung! It all is a pile of dung! I wasn’t in a dessert or in need of water I was just in an extremely large car park called America!

I got the driver to drop me off at Circuit City and as the name suggests it sells computers and such-like. Not finding what I wanted there I decided to walk to Wal Mart! And that people is where my story starts!

As I have mentioned before, nobody walks in America! To get from one place to the next requires a car! Even the local Chase Bank is a drive-in! But I walked as I didn’t have a car and apart from the loud honking noises as irate drivers queried the “fool” I was the only two-footed soul in existence! No pavements mind you, just dirt tracks that perhaps the cows had hacked-out before the motorised humans built the ‘freeway’ and moved them to greener stalls!

I won’t talk about Wal Mart – I got trapped between two enormous bums beside the printers and well, I don’t want to talk about that anymore! After finishing my shopping I asked the Mexican girls at the Customer Services counter to get me a taxi! Well, in twenty minutes or so a member of the Pasadena Taxi gang rolled up in this clapped out Chevy with a home-made sign on top that read “tacci”. The more than middle-aged skinny guy that got out had a bald head, an American Flag tattooed on the back of his skull (I don’t think he was going to vote for Obama) and another hundred tattoos up arms that were completely illegible due to his arms having seriously wrinkled over the years. He grumped at me through a mouth of studs and safety pins, I’m sure one connected his lower lip to his left nostril and as I climbed into the back seat I could only think that this journey was not going to go as smoothly as I had hoped!

I actually tried to climb into the front seat but his “I aint movin anything - sit on it if you want” pointed me to the fact that the front seat was covered in junk for a reason! Anyway, I plonked myself in the back and directed him to the Green Port on Industrial Road!

Well, blow me down with a feather if he didn’t promptly stop his engine, angrily say “goddarn ah knew it” and turn around as if he wanted to decapitate me right there and then! His metal apertures were jumping ten to the dozen as he ranted and raved about being called out a long way for a small job! I really wished that little Mexican girl from Wal Mart who had ordered the taxi had been with me – at least I could have pointed the finger at her and sunk into my corner to escape the froth!

Anyway, eventually we got going after three attempts to start the car and after leaving some angry tyre marks outside of Wal Mart! The journey wasn’t easy! I will list a few things that my driver shouted whilst sticking his finger up in rude gestures but these by no means cover the full diatribe that I suffered!

Hey, Pr**ck this is a freeway not a parkway!
Learn to drive ya “ni***er!
“Wal, I don’t like you for draggin me all the way out here – all for nothing – an I don’t have to like you, nobody tells me who I like!
I can’t drive you here – this will blow my tyres – are you gonna pay for them?

Anyway, after blowing off steam for the journey I paid him off – without a tip which really had his studs glowing red – and left him in a pot hole that had caused his taxi to stop sooner than he had expected! Not that the pothole was big, just that his taxi was a complete piece of junk! He had more metal in his face than under the seat of the car!

And so I learnt a valuable lesson! Don’t go shopping in the middle of the dessert and more to the point don’t call a taxi to drive you home! I couldn’t survive in that sort of environment – how can nobody walk and more still who would put their life into the hands of a complete jerk?

The American Investigation - Day Eight

I’ve been on a ship for a few days doing my day job of superintendency and its been great not to have read any newspapers or listened to any experts blow hot air into a faded wallet!

I have though heard snippets from the television – as the credit-crisis turns into unmitigated disaster (especially for executives and directors of banks boo hoo) – I was surprised out of my bowl of rice and fish heads to discover that Britain has topped America for bailout offerings!

There was old America captivating the world with traumatic on-the-knees threats of global meltdown, of far-reaching consequences and near tomato throwing hysterics, the actions of American politicians unveiling a drama that was far more entertaining than Dallas ever was, when all of a sudden Britain ounces a bailout package that is of a greater value than their token offering amounted to! Last I looked the British to the American economy is a single peanut to a family sized jar of peanut butter yet without any fanfare, without as much as an eye raised or an egg thrown the British Government manages to upstage the Americans by offering far larger sums!

I mean I don’t understand all the figures that are being thrown around! And not many people do! Answer this question to my satisfaction and win yourself a trip to the Bahamas (if the value of my poor shares adds three zero’s on the end that is)! What is the difference between one billion and one trillion? I remember a few years ago when a million used to be an enormous sum! Yet here we all are talking about trillions as if they are the difference between a night out and a night in!

Which reminds me! I must put that five pence piece that I found on the street the other day into my savings account – every little bit helps and as the old saying goes “the pennies make the pound”!

Therefore, following logically on and to win myself my very own holiday in the Bahamas I could answer that question by saying “if you save a few billions you can make a trillion”.

Ah, I see!

The American Investigation - Day Seven

After a good nights sleep at the Quality Inn in Houston I was driven helter-skelter to Freeport where I joined the good ship Mark C! This vessel was discharging windmill blades ashore and once completed and after being given permission to sail on the vessel to Houston itself the ropes were let go and the vessel steamed on its merry way!

The very American Pilot (the guy to whom ship Captains are legally bound to listen to as they navigate in enclosed waters) carried on his conversation without falter as I entered the bridge!

“20 degrees to starboard”? He said not really listening to the half-hearted grunts given out of politeness! He continued talking loudly to the Captain and the AB at the steering wheel not two feet away!

………I was down here only yesterday when a fast boat came out o’nowhere……..

“136 degrees kind sir”! He shouted to the AB at the wheel

…………well, I said to the Captain, you all see that. Well, I think the Captain did see it as he was as white as a ghost ………

“Hard a port there friend” he bellowed to the sunken shouldered sailor!

…………. although it was dark right there on that lil ol bridge of his! We all saw it I’m goddam sure even though it was dark as a black mans scalp out there – anyways we heard it I’m sure and I said he better get himself back into the channel pretty darn quick otherwise I’m sure he aint gonna make it back home in too many pieces I said!..........

“Make that a good 140 now sir; you’re all doing a fine old job there now”! He drawled to a very silent AB at the wheel!

………….aAnyways, that old captain he sure went white as a ghost so I said to him be careful old papa they don’t slow down here for nobodies! And I tell you all that is what happened here a not a few days ago when one of those old speed boats just came shooting out of nowheres and hit a tree! An I’ll tell you little brother all I heard was an splat right there in the middle of the river…………..

“On the right side of the green boooowiiieeee is just right where we all just want to be!” He shouted to nobody in particular as the vessel was obviously already on the green side of the buoy!

……………Yes sireee; a tree he hit and that tree is now bent right over waiting for it to happen right up the old darkened hole! Yessir, I tell you it was not pretty and they scraped him off the tree with shovels……….

“Make that a fine 250 degrees there boy and half ahead there Captain”! He drawled!

……………..So anyways you all, just keep your eyes peeled around here coastline as it aint pretty when they go too darn fast for their own darn good!.............

“Full speed ahead there boy”! He shouted loudly as if shouting helped to increase the speed!

……….. you all did I tell you all that you have to watch out for bears in this here goddam piece of America ………

I couldn’t take much more of that codswallop! Luckily the AB at the wheel didn’t speak much English but the Captain I’m sure was contemplating suicide! Sorry Captain but one of us has to survive that garbage and I guess its going to be me!

The American Investigation - Day Six

This afternoon I flew from Tampa to Houston! It was an uneventful trip apart from the mammoth sitting in the seat next to me, and half in mine - a quick drive across town and I checked into the Quality Inn, Houston!

Nice little hotel/motel in the middle of nowhere!

The restaurant was a classic affair! Nice food! And there was a swimming pool with skimpily clad woman drinking beer!

And so, on day six I keep my mouth sealed and make no comment on Americans and their habits!

I do though have to make one comment: Galveston, Houston, etc suffer every time a hurricane or strong wing comes along! If the residents of these near coastal towns want to stop their houses flooding, for the roofs to stop blowing off and for them to stall falling over like a pack of cards then don't buy rubbish! A house built on a flood plane out of plywood and tarmac will not withstand a babies fart never mind high winds!

Anyway; I think they must know that as this is not the first time destruction has hit although I don't think it will be the last time!

Anyway, tomorrow Freeport!

The American Investigation - Day Five

As my last day in Tampa draws to an end I feel that I must find the good about Americans and their beloved country! I thus set out today on a positive note! I went walking to find the good, to remain unbiased and without drawing on the constant negative that seems to haunt my footsteps whichever which way I turn!

Tampa is a nice place. It is an orderly city of blocks and buildings, it has a lovely river walk that meanders gently around the created islands ..........

Och, I can't do this! I can't tell porky-pies!

Certainly, Tampa is a nice place but when I went walking, on a Sunday at 11am I was astounded! The parks, the lovely river walk and the town were devoid of the one required ingredient - I was the only person out and about! The only areas that could boast activity was a smaller park where the homeless obviously congregated to swap sob stories and the Tampa General Hospital. I got lost and ended up wandering though the middle of the hospital to find the place overcrowded with shuffling and sniffing two-legged weirdos.



I came across the above notice as scuttled away from the hospital. In fact it was positioned directly outside a main entrance as if it was trying to divert attention away from the self-created sniffling going on inside - just before one enters the lions den. It seems that this notice refers to a building project half a mile away but why was it there - a joke perhaps?

Right! Enough said!

As I prepare to leave Tampa, hopefully to pastures new I leave some comments to those living here!

1. Don't east so much! The burger that I had today was dribbling potential fat over the edge of the dinner plate!
2. Park the car and go for a little walk! Just try it - its actually quite nice to do. But take it one step at a time as it may come as a shock to the body!
3. Stop talking so much and listen! Not everybody is an expert about everything you know!
4. Last but not least learn something! There is more to Scotland than the "McNeil" clan, Scotland isn't a suburb of London and yes, people do wear trousers in Edinburgh!

Tomorrow I go to Freeport - not the one in the Bahamas but that one in Texas!

See you there!

The American Investigation - Day Four

I’ve been watching allot of television recently!

Not allot in the sense that I sit for hours like a genetically modified potato but simply that I flick through so many channels in a desperate attempt to find something even remotely interesting to watch!

I typically get back to the hotel in the evening! I am tired and would like nothing more than to put my feet up in front of the box to watch something good! It is this last bit that I can’t seem to get to grips with! There’s allot of American football to watch; there is even more channels with experts talking about American Football in forceful ways! OJ Simpson might have been doing this had he not been held up in jail today! I’ve never understood American Football!

And then there are many other channels with many very expert experts who don’t pause for breath or blink whilst enforcing their expertise down poor viewer’s throats! I found one channel with a nice lady on it and even took my finger off the button – but it was in fact an advert for the ultimate cure to genetic neurosis and so I had to move quickly on!

Obama, McCain, Biden and that intense girl seem to occupy allot of channels! At one point I could have sworn that they were talking to each other across channels! Is that possible? I did stop for some ten minutes to listen to Madam Palin give a speech but drifted off into serious depression! God can she talk! She doesn’t blink – or was that me? But for some reason I couldn’t quite get to grips with the way she gives her opinion! She doesn’t stop for breath – a monster truck going downhill with a brick on the pedal and the brake fluid back home in the garage! It makes sense for a while, the things she says, and then all of a sudden she has turned the conversation to something completely different and in mid-sentence to boot! Clever or just a plain little bimbo having her way - I don’t really know! I do know one thing though! This election in America, the candidates and the people discussing them is just one enormous joke! They talk rubbish constantly and really people, would you honestly want any one of them running your country?

I managed to move my eyes away from Ms Palin speaking in her jumpy monotone to a financial news channel! Wow, did I get myself all dizzy and in a complete tizz! I was watching those lines that run across the bottom of the screen, the ones that give the latest stock market prices, exchange rates and whatnots whilst listening to this guy that basically told me to buy as many shares as I could on some banking outfit that I though had recently gone bust! Maybe I got it all wrong as was shouting at me in a rather brutal manner.

I skipped through one channel where an intense midget was shouting “I’m comfortable and regular”, rapidly past the porn channel and one of those showing ultimate cheap horror movies! Then I flicked through The Action News, Star Trek (sorry trekies), a Spanish Channel, an expert telling me how to hit a golf ball slowly, some adult cartoons, a history of the Klu Klux Klan (still active today although they don’t wear white sheets because they look silly), an extremely man talking about drive-ins and junk food and a gambling channel that I’m sure where telling people that gambling was free!

I also flicked quickly through an assortment of programs that revolved around topics like “I killed my husband and enjoyed it” and “I’m so fat because of my father”!

I’ve just got it! Ms Palin doesn’t know about intonation so she runs everything together in a rapid manner in the hope that nobody notices!

So I watch television allot but not allot if you know what I mean! And anyway, the large and expensive flat screen television, in this nice hotel in Tampa is a bit annoying! It is certainly wide screen but I can’t change the settings so everybody looks really really fat!

Hmmmm, maybe the television is okay after all!

The American Investigation - Day Three

I am in Tampa, Florida - the sunshine state is that you say? Beautiful weather! Nice and cool in the evenings; nice and hot in the day!

For breakfast I have a glass of very fresh orange juice! Not a tinsy-wincy glass as found in the UK but a man-sized pull! All the dishes are big here! I cannot finish anything! Yesterday I ordered a salad, something light I thought but ended up with a whole vegetable garden drowned in enough dressing to sink a ship! I left half of it and the waitress asked me if there was something wrong! The locals certianly don't have a problem with these extremely large dishes!

I saw a man today, he was working on a ship and had to walk up the gangway sideways, huffing and puffing as he waddled up to get to the top where the thin people stood! He is a tank inspector! His job is to go down tanks to test the atmosphere, to ensure that the tank has enough oxygen in it for others to work safely within! There was no feasible way for him to get into a tank; they just don't build tank lids that big! Anyway, he passed the tank after testing it from a suitable distance; as he probably has done since his stomach first prevented him seeing the ground beneath!

There was a very large family in the restaurant last night! They were eating a pizza that was bigger than the table, chunky fries that needed to hands to lift and cups of coke that fizzled extremely loudly! And the father was shouting his head off at the poor large waitress! "Can ya, no all understand that aaaaa ordered aaaa diet coke! And there you go ya'aaaalll have brought me aaaa normaaaal coke! I'm on a diet lady and aaall just can't drink your normaaaaal coke! I need youaaalll to go back behind that lill bar and pull me a diet coke now!"

Wow, it must have meant allot to him this current diet he was on!

This 'largeness' is accepted here as everybody else looks the same! I stood in a queue this morning to get a cup of coffee and I felt really odd out and insecure. I was the thinnest person around! Then later as I grabbed a bite to eat at the Oriental Express (a Sushi Bar that was confused between Japanese and Chinese Characters in the name)and the policeman who was putting the bar stool to a weight test looked at me as if to say "I arrest you for being skinny".

It's in the genes they say - rubbish - I don't think there where many overweight prisoners in Dachau or in Alcatraz and if there are any overweight prisoners in San Quentin today then a check of the menu might simply reveal Coke a Cola or a blatant overuse of artificial sweeteners and preservatives!

In the genes my a**e

The American Investigation - Day Two

I am walking along the road and I feel scared! Not sure why as it is only 8pm and nobody is around! I think that is the scary bit! Here I am in downtown Tampa and nobody, I mean nobody, is out walking! Not a soul to be seen anywhere!

There are plenty of cars rolling around! Enormous gas-munching, large tyre monster trucks with dark-tinted windows! Could just be a lawyer going home after working late or perhaps a kerb crawler looking for a cheap and nasty blow-job or a gang of youths out for a fight with some pale Scotsman!

How am I supposed to know?

I walked from the Tampa Port Authority building on Channelside Drive, onto Meridian and then onto Jackson Street which runs through the heart of the business side of Tampa!

It was dark and creepy and not a soul was in sight!

Some church bells rang! A mournful expression of destitution in an otherwise creepy surround!

I have managed to get most of the way along Jackson Street and I can see the Bank Of America building ahead – my hotel lies just behind this tall building!

Nearly home; nearly safe!

I was passing a bastion of civilization and so I made my heart stop pounding! Nothing can happen outside the Hyatt Regency in Tampa! I passed the regal entrance when all of a sudden a large and hooded black man popped out of a garbage bin! My heart made the lighting journey back into my mouth!

A large black-man with no shoes on had been raking around in a bin outside the Hyatt Regency and upon hearing my footsteps he pulled himself upright!

I looked around for the doorman, a wanted ray of light in an otherwise black surround – but he was nowhere to be had!

I moved quickly on and to my hotel!

I won’t be walking at night time in Tampa ever again!

The American Investigation - Day One

In the face support for Obama and Biden outside a house in Tampa - and the forgotten environment behind


I am here, on American Soil to conduct an investigation! I want to see what is really going down, I want to talk at the grass roots level to the people who matter and I want to see what they say about Obama and McCain, and I want to see if the Credit Crunch has in fact made everybody forget that last weeks topic was about the environment and not money and I want to try and find some sense amongst the daily stupidity that reaches us in Britain!

I flew from Amsterdam to Atlanta on a KLM flight and I managed to listen in to an interesting conversation! The large American couple sitting behind were peering out of the window as the planes wheels left the tarmac:

“Maybe when we get high enough (the plane I suppose) we can see the tulips, the wife said as she applied some lipstick on lips that had not seen daylight since she popped out all those years ago!

“Well, I hope so, but it is the fall (American Autumn) so maybe only the yellow uns (ones) are growing now”, said the husband who obviously needed to get out and about a bit more!

Anyway, the flight was uneventful and I arrived in Atlanta tired but prepared for the next few days ahead!

My immigration officer of the day put a spanner in the works! He was Black and he was “in-charge” and I started off this escapade by making a mistake. The thing about American Immigration Officers is that they all seem to have a self-inflated “I’m the boss” style approach that discourages frowns, grumpiness or slowness! I stood in the queue for one hour waiting for my turn with a forced look of happiness and a blank expression that I hoped would say “I hate being here but I have to not show it”.

The finger print computers broke down, the queues got longer and people started to blow steam – even though they are not allowed to!

I was lucky! Another desk opened up and the Immigration Officer beckoned me forth! Unfortunately, a barrier was between me and his cubicle; one of those strips of nylon that are pulled out to keep the masses in sensible and pre-ordained lines and so I ducked under it to get to where he wanted me to be! He didn’t like that and told me to duck back under and walk around! If that had been anywhere else; say in my local bank I would have had the manager on the floor with my finger in his face – an apology or else! If it had been in another country I would not have ducked back under but on this occasion and after duly considering the opposition I kept that grin at the forefront and swallowed mightily hard!

And soon, after giving away ten-finger prints, a look into a camera that I hoped would say it all and after being told how I should conduct surprise ship-inspections on a more frequent basis (who is this guy) I was in America!

In my hotel the next day I had a conversation with the bar assistant (maid, waitress)! I asked her about the ongoing politics and who she would be voting for! I was a bit worried that she was in-fact an illegal immigrant recently arrived from Cuba but it turned out that she was eligible to vote!

She said “I am not sure who to vote for anymore! If you see George Bush we all know that he never had the brains to make all the decisions that he did. It doesn’t really matter who we vote for because there are too many people behind the scenes so the leaders are just puppets”.

A conspiracy theory perhaps but nice to hear that America is not simply divided down the middle; black on one-side, white on the other?

She declined to leave her name!